Perry Mason moments 0; Jackie Mason moments 2; Sausage rolls consumed 26 (as Greggs is too close); cigarettes - hundreds; coffees made - 2; pages copied 46 (really 10 but mucked up a few).

24th: DISCOVER (yet another) drawback of being oldest trainee in town. At ordinary court when realise Sheriff is dishing out serious judicial biffing to our man. While staring intently at me! Penny drops am only person on public benches not wearing gown. Sheriff assumes am client! Ugh. V uncomfortable. Especially when sleek young lawyers draw dirty looks as slink out. Console myself that not as bad as when was journalist and Shf clerks regularly assumed was the accused.

26th: Morning office meeting (loosely) resembles Hawaiian convention as conveyancers arrive in t-shirts bearing wacky slogans on abolition of feudal tenure. Pretend to get joke. Make mental note to avoid conveyancing as long as poss. Esp since every time have had to come into office late at night (keep forgetting to take briefcase home – keep forgetting have briefcase) at least one conveyancer on premises beavering away. Whatever they do it looks hard. Realise that despite having made three phone calls to automated witness list at Glasgow fiscal’s office have not received any witness lists. Have not received any response at all. Does machine realise am trainee? Or is it just crap? Make one too many trip to Greggs today. Put appetite down to extra demands on brainpower.

30th: Gulp. Realise progress meeting with partner looming. Tackle pile of loathsome quantums heaped on desk. Note that books extremely helpful up to, but nowhere near including, point where have to apply info to real cases. Note calculating quantum akin to sticking pin in map and hoping other side’s pin doesn’t land too far away. Add personal injury to areas of law may not be suited to. Also draft and mail small claims summonses. Overall v pleased with self.

1st: Major breakthrough. Got direct number for person in Glasgow fiscal’s office who is dealing with client’s case. Call to explain situation to v helpful woman and request meeting. Am delighted. Joy short lived. Colleagues say more chance of winning lottery than Glasgow PF calling back. Pah! Such cynicism. That was week ago. Still waiting. Ah. Office manageress tells me firm having trouble keeping track of my movements during day. Point out this is because Greggs don’t deliver.

10th: Spend morning helping Campbell with media client research. Media law being what firm all about. Involves reading v salacious book (phew!) and nodding sagely as Campbell rattles off legal cases that have never heard of (um). Had thought of self as something of expert given fact never been successfully sued or had Press Complaints Commission complaint upheld in decade of, erm, racy journalism. Concede may be more to media law than gloating over fact punters can’t get Legal Aid for defamation.
15th: Progress meeting today. Disappointed to learn letter dictating not yet up to scratch (suspect am too Hemingway-esque) and that falling down on desk tidiness stakes (old journalistic proverb: tidy desk only encourages extra work) but overall ok. Handed timesheet to be filled in throughout day! Takes five minutes to complete. Kidding. Takes 9mins 17secs to complete. Kidding. Haven’t started it yet. Plan to studiously avoid any mention of Greggs when do.

17th: Note to self: Check with Law Soc re lawyers ID card. Unceremoniously ejected from back stairs in Shf Ct today by security guard who greets me with, “Oy, where do you think you are going?” Protests that on way to lawyers’ common room. Met with so much jobsworth nonsense that give in and leave building. Console self with fact that clearly don’t look that much like criminal lawyer.

19th: Recognised Joe Beltrami in Rogano’s other day. Then in Buchanan Street day after. Then three separate times when visiting court recently. Then had a dream about him last night. In it he said: “Stop following me”. Is this a sign? Return of my first small claims summons today. Smug professional glow somewhat dented when realise neatly handwritten note from Shf clerks office is not praising legal draughtsmanship, but pointing out cheque for court fees unsigned. Claim will need to be resent. Aargh.

21st: Stephen wins case today. And not of lager! Well done. Much surprise in office as computers suddenly deem e-mails from well-known law firm are suspect and decide they will be automatically destroyed. Back in ordinary court today spectating. Told to watch Graham Wilson if want to see how to be cool on feet. v impressed. Particularly by way he takes time to help out poor Sheriffs. Still haven’t fathomed which lawyers get to sit at big table with Shf clerk and which are consigned to cheap seats with me. Could it be something to do with court cool?

22nd: Christmas is looming. Groan. Realised have lots of work to do before escape. Dictate many tapes for Lynn. Beginning to realise that number of tapes produced is lawyer virility thing. Discover suddenly v good at filling tapes. Discover v bad at doing it without riddling them with errors. Many trips back and forward correcting them. Ugh.

23rd: Office Christmas party tonight. Completely shocked at behaviour. Nobody drunk, nobody crying and not a single punch thrown. Most astonishingly, by midnight everybody gone home. Leaving only Stephen, Rory and self to wander streets in search of late bevy. End up in Blue Dog. Feel at home when realise pub full of Herald night-desk staff. Then remember trainee lawyer now.