We are clearly a society that has no problems, social issues, real crime, economic concerns, and far, far too much time on our hands. Why else would Scotland be legislating to ensure cold tea is displayed on shelves to protect us from the osmotic allure of that most dreaded and pernicious poison, alcohol?  Janet Hood laments the death of logic, as strange new laws herald an era of prohibition by stigma  

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Vicky Quay my favourite employee of the state. And what a state we are in. She has done it again - in spades.

Those of you involved in advising licensees will know that there are very strict new regulations governing the display of alcohol in off sales premises to prevent alcohol harm. Alcohol is to be recognised as a special  product and not normal goods. Vicky believes that if alcohol is displayed with other goods we will be more tempted to buy it and abuse the product. Indeed one supermarket had alcohol on display in at least 10 places. Golly! The new rules are that alcohol can only be displayed in 2 locations in any store. One behind the counter (difficult if you have a central till) and the other to be a defined area approved by the local licensing board. It is not to be sold alongside other goods. With this in mind we start our story.

The following tale - which beggars belief - is really, truly true.

Picture the most iconic rural tourist venue in Scotland. Glamis Castle managed by the fabulous and dynamic David Adams. Its shops sell fantastic Scottish produce; jams, beers, whiskies, hip flasks, historical memorabilia... ah you see the problem. At present the alcohol is displayed in several locations through the shops - crumbs! Some whisky -I feel I should whisper this part- is displayed alongside other goods such as hip flasks. Oh my puritan soul is cringing with horror but I shall force myself to continue. Obviously displaying alcohol in this manner will encourage otherwise civilised tourists to go on a drunken rampage, I can see them now swilling miniatures as if there were no tomorrow while chomping on locally produced fudge which will probably cause them to become obese problem drinkers. STOP THIS EVIL NOW! Oh whoops sorry, I had on my temperance league hat for a moment. It’s easy for me to get confused.

Glamis, like most tourist venues, currently  has alcohol on display with other goods. David wants to ensure tourists have a great time and return from whence they came with a little part of Scotland in their luggage. He wants tourists to tell their pals they had a great experience in Scotland. He wants tourists to return and  encourage their friends to come too. He told me that the current displays are not put together randomly but they are put together to maximise sales thus ensuring the success of the business that is Scottish tourism.

Vicky came up with a solution to the display problem and I wish I’d thought of it.

I don’t think. 

This is what Vicky proposed.

In order to carry on displaying alcohol with other goods the following method would be acceptable; put out dummy bottles filled with cold tea. Honestly! Ah’m no jokin’ you.

The customer will then take the dummy bottle to the till. The sales assistant will take the bottle from the customer. The sales assistant will either close the till and pop into the back shop [what back shop?] or store to get a bottle filled with whisky or will give the dummy bottle to the under sales assistant (who will of course be appropriately trained as per the government’s guidelines and will no doubt have to be 18). The under sales assistant will then source a matching bottle of the real thing, return to the sales assistant who will then make the sale to the baffled customer. The under sales assistant will then return the dummy bottle back to the display - you couldn’t make it up!

Now what is wrong with this if you are the manager of a tourist venue?

1.  You’ll need to double your staff or diminish  your sales potential. Oooh that’s going to hurt in today’s  financial environment.
2.  Your displays will lose synergy.
3.  The tourist will think you are insane.
4.  Queueing tourists will just leave the premises without making the purchase because they are in a hurry to get back on the bus.
5.  The tourist venue will suffer financially and in some cases will just stop selling the national product.

What is really odd though is that I certainly can’t see any way that the proposal meets the terms of the 5 licensing objectives which must be met in order to prevent alcohol harm and trade the product. You are either displaying/ promoting alcohol or not. If you are displaying something that looks like alcohol what is the difference? It may get you past a legal technicality but you are still promoting the product. Will displaying cold tea reduce alcohol harm? Will it prevent crime?  Will it reduce nuisance? Promote public health or save our children? I don’t think so. Will selling whisky with hip flasks increase alcohol harm, crime, nuisance? Will it damage our health or our children? I don’t think so.

What happens if a harassed sales assistant accidentally sells the customer the bottle. I can see the BEBO now: “Don’t go to Scotland they sell cold tea in whisky bottles”. By gum that’s not too good now is it?

Will the bottle have to be labelled cold tea masquerading as whisky to comply with weights and measures or labelling legislation? 

It goes on and on and on.

Vicky claims to be trying to promote business in Scotland. Vicky claims to be trying to increase tourism by 50% by 2012. Let’s ask Vicky to please stop issuing ludicrous advice.