People go to pubs and clubs to drink, socialise, fornicate and generally take advantage of all the things grown ups can do once they are over 18. Don’t they? Janet Hood warns that the hedonistic days are over, if the Scottish Government have their way.

Laugh and grow fat! I used to think as did many of you that was a slightly daft saying probably meant to be a prop for those of us - and I am one - not struggling to put flesh on our bones. However I am delighted to read that Japanese psychologists have indeed discovered the link between optimism, happiness and self indulgence. Yes it’s really true: happy-go-lucky people can be considerably more curvaceous than others, and it has been proven that many of those who cast care to the winds also tend to throw all sorts of goodies down the red lane. These voluptuaries - it is said - could indeed do with a dose of negativity to spur self awareness and develop a more cautious ego state which will in its turn assist them make successful applications for that all important catwalk experience.

Now Vicky Key has been studying this report with alarm and my sources tell me that in consultation with Scottish Happiness Avoidance and Figure Transformation [SHAFT] a new Action Plan on Happiness and your Hips is currently being prepared with a view to consulting on how to curb excessive mirth, fun and joy with a view to ensuring - in the interests of our health you understand - that we become a nation where eating to fuel the body solely is encouraged (compulsory porridge in a drawer being one of the likely recommendations). It lasts a week and you save on loo roll. Soul food is of course positively banned. Extreme manifestations of joy will also be taken into account: music, dancing; singing and other forms of social intercourse (who said that word?) will be scrutinised with a view to reducing the social harm they so obviously encourage. You might - heaven forfend - have a chippie on the way home.

And lest you think this is all nonsense consider page 15 of Licensing for Public Health by AFS: a pamphlet aimed at licensing boards with a view to promoting best practice to meet the public health objective. Whereas most of the advice is already contained in statutory qualifications aimed at improving standards in the licensed trade such as BIIAB have been promoting for years, some of the advice is worrying.

How many of you have sashayed out to the dancing recently? Been to a music pub or folk night? Enjoyed a few jars in a popular and successful venue? Resorted to the local to watch that all important football match? Squeezed into a pub after a rugby match?
If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then it is possible that the licensee will require to answer at a licensing review hearing for the following “reasons”.

Busy premises are a danger to health, especially if more people are standing than sitting. Well, that will put paid to your trip to pubs adjacent to football or rugby grounds.

Music of a certain type causes violent and aggressive and sexually inappropriate behaviour. Think of Nirvana; the Rolling Stones; Beatles; punk bands (dated, I know. But the songs are on most juke boxes) ‘Polly’, ‘Puddle of Mud’ - now they’re newish - well as many of the lyrics contain offensive or sexually explicit words “Why don’t we do it in the road?”; “Street fighting Man”; She xxxxxxx hates me (doesn’t seem to care terribly for me); take them out of that juke box now and replace immediately with a selection of tunes from the Sound of Music. Perhaps not the one about the lonely goatherd. Who knows what he got up to on the high pastures.
“Pulling” or “openly sexual or sexually explicit activity” is inappropriate. That puts paid to dancing. Remember the waltz, the tango, the jitterbug and jiving have all been considered inappropriate in their time. Rock and roll was the ruination of the 50s. So nothing’s new. What about comedians? Banned!

So why bother going out? If I were you, instead of going to fantastic, well run venues where you can have fun in a safe environment, get texting. Stunning girls and boys living in your locality are -according to my TV last night - just waiting to hear from you.

Take Care Dears!