"David Cameron, that last dreep from a flaccid prick, has come to Perth. He’s here to tell us how poor Scotland is. That’s his message to the Tory conference, poor souls. They are the no hopers for themselves and us. They are the last few sad readers of the Herald. Go home, Dave and count the union’s chickens. We Scots are coming down on you for our share.

"As I have so often said, we are a United Kingdom. The property of the union is held by England in trust for us all. When we leave we will take our share, assets and liabilities together.

"First we must take 9% of the atrocious national dept these spendthrifts have incurred. That’s only fair. Then we must take 9% of the assets of the Union. That’s only fair too. One will be set off against the other. Have you thought of that, Mr Cameron?

"Let’s start the division. First there’s Trafalgar Square. On one side is the National Gallery, built since the Union. We could have that towards our 9%. We could sell it to Tesco for a fortune. Maybe that’s not fair. Let them keep the National Gallery and we’ll take the pictures inside. They belong to the Union too. In the Square there’s Nelson’s column. We’ll take the column and they can keep Lord Nelson. He’s their hero; not ours. Once cleared of trash like Nelson we can sell the Square to the Chinese. They could use their diplomatic immunity to build a new embassy on it. Now for Whitehall.

"Every piece of real estate we’re walking past belongs to the union and 9% of it belongs to us. Offset its value. That makes our share of debt get smaller with every step. You think I’m joking? I couldn’t be more serious. Glasgow was the second city of the Empire. Clydeside was the Empire’s workshop. Scottish Regiments fell to win the Empire. Our forefathers didn’t live in slums and work for starvation wages and die in battle so that England could take the wealth of the union. We will have our share, Mr Cameron. Walk on.

"At last we come to the plum of plums. We come to Downing Street. Maybe we should be generous. Maybe we should let them keep Whitehall and take Downing Street instead. We could use number 10 for the Scottish Embassy. Or sell it to Starbucks. Although Starbucks might not want it considering what’s gone on inside

"This Downing Street nonsense is not just a frolic. I use it to show that the assets of the United Kingdom as well as its liabilities must be fairly divided. One ninth of the value of the assets far outweighs one ninth of the national debt. Let us depart like Ireland without any counterclaim against London and without burden of the debts their spendthrift ways have put upon us. An exception will be the lavish foreign embassies we built when we were a ‘Great Power.’ We shall need a share of them to house our Scottish embassies.

"Let there be no more exceptions. The Scottish banks only became Scottish when they bankrupted themselves under London’s lax banking rules. They were and are international banks and any help they got was to prop up the ungoverned financial system England forces on us. There must be no bitterness. Let us each say, ‘The deaths you died we also have died. The paths you trod we also have trod. Now it is time to part. Let us go our ways in peace.’

"Scotland will do well enough. We have our oil. We have our wind and wave and hydro power and the power of the tides round our shores. We shall have our self confidence. Our will is to build a country on the motto, fair shares for all. That is the only remedy for a fractured society."